Times, they are a changing. This is good for the whole of the transgender community. It is less so for some of us. I applaud the new exposure of the trans experience. Caitlyn, Lavern, Candice and even Jenny, who is jumping on the wagon of these new trans celebrities though her books weren't that great. I had my doubts about Caitlyn but I confess, bravo to you, girl! I don't think anyone could have pulled this off better! In fact, I think you will do more for the acceptance of transfolk than anyone before you. Be well. I, on the other hand, side, world, whatever, will not benefit from this new wave of acceptance. I am aged out, unable to afford the bio-modifications that would let me enter the new world of trans acceptance. It's a glamorous world to be sure. I have no problem with that. Celebrity is all about glamour. If I could go back in time and transition at a young age, without the knowledge of the three children I helped to produce therefore not having the guilt of wiping out their existence I would in a heartbeat. Of course, their existence upon the world did happen and who am I to be such a beast as to eliminate my own children. I accept my fate. Unlike Ms. Jenner I was ousted from my former life situation with nothing but a roof over my head which was only paid in advance for a very short time. I was alone, debt ridden and suffering from clinical depression yet somehow I survived. There were special people involved with that survival who I may talk about later. When I had enough strength to move away I did. I was still in a depressed state but somehow and with the help of a friend and a son I continued. On the social plane, I rebuilt myself but on the internal I am no more healed than the day I was banished from my own family. This is why I cannot watch any program or movie concerning trans people. I have lived a life in pain, transitioning at an old age and still not being able to see it through. Though I've often contemplated suicide, I have a high threshold for pain and I'll probably see to live out the fifteen or twenty years I have left. The family that exiled me is now dealing with the repercussions of that era. I was almost drawn into the fray but somehow I managed to see it for what it was. Not my fight. I survived my exile, deal with your own conscience. So, as for the current exposure of the trans experience, I hope you all learn something valuable and realize that we are as much a part of humanity as the rest of you. I am not able to be restored at this point but there are thousands who are. Please treat them like humans.

The Mouse returns. This is a tough one. What do I say about the current media hype concerning transgender folks? How can I not love the newly emerged Caitlyn? We are the same age, the same mutation, sisters in arms. One of us is privileged and of the means to access any and all modifications to be the person of her dreams and one is not. I am the not. I struggle daily with the will to live. I say the three names of my children and I continue. This is a ritual. Each day I get over it, I move on, I do what I am good at. Yet, I can't feel that it's enough. Mainly because it has nothing to do with the pursuit of my own happiness. So selfish a wish and the last remnant of the guilt I carry for the act of transitioning. It has taken fifteen years to work through that guilt and each and every step has cost a piece of my soul. Hopefully there's spark left to ignite a new flame but it will take someone else to fan it. I am nearly done. I've tried my best to be another's idea of "me" and I don't regret it because it is what was. I do believe in fate, as ridiculous as that sounds but without it my past would be insignificant. Whatever time I have left is anyone's guess and I will cherish it with all the hope of one who has experienced life in and of many manifestations. It's been real. Let's hope there's more.