Arise from the ashes, Jedi-Mouse. It's time to talk again. My left big toe doesn't bend anymore due to having been broken twice from surfing incidents. It's only a minor pain but it's a constant reminder of a past life. I went to a transgender support event today and lasted twenty minutes before I had to leave out of boredom, frustration, disgust and a heaping pile of self-hatred. I went to support a friend who is a comedienne and was scheduled to perform but I couldn't last until her slotted set. I sat through an unbearably trivial dissertation by various tran-men prose which left me depressed beyond measure. That's too many "I"s so let's get to the matter. Walking home in the rain, realizing yes, I was tripping on a mushroom cap because I thought it would put me in a better place to endure the distaste I was about to feel but it had the opposite effect making me feel by the power of ten the self-hatred I have for being transgender. It's a hard thing to admit but long overdue. It took several snifters of bourbon and four episodes of "House" before I could even start writing. Not all of me has survived transition. The warrior mouse lives on as well as the artist, the musician, the jester . . . but the person is broken. Now "she", she is terrified, alone and self-destructive. Too many regrets, too many losses. Land locked and drying out like a beached dogfish. I can't smell the ocean anymore. I can't find the me that was suppose to be there. What a freakish thing to live a fifty year lie, to be an actor and watching life play out through false eyes. "What a world, what a world" was the cry as the life of fifty years of experience that equaled ten ordinary lives dissolved into a pool of water. "Where are my tits!" cries Myra Breckinridge waking up from surgery . . . All my references are ancient by today's trans standards. I won't be on the cover of Time. Amazon won't be showing a series of my life, however similar to today's version. My life is over. What's left is a remnant, a ghost of a life that had so much potential in it that it can carry on without the person in it. I'll play that out, whatever is left, until it too dissolves.