Snow days vs. No days

February 9th, another Snow Day in most of New England. Here in Easthampton Ma about 14 inches of the white stuff settled down, closing schools, businesses, my own included and giving many people a needed day off from the absurdity of life in America, 2017. I'll take it. In my life I also have "No Days". These are the days in which my clinical depression takes hold and also gives me a day off though I usually spend it in bed seeing that I'm quite incapacitated when these No days happen. This is a reasonable trade off, in my opinion, for being able to hold it together in a productive state of adulting for most of the time when not so long ago this wasn't the case.

"Imagine, if you will, coming to realize that a life in denial for fifty years was as good as it was going to get and the rest of your life as your true self is just a walk through hell." Not that I don't have friends here, on the contrary, I have more friends now than ever and they may or not be on their own path through hell, hell being a very subjective and personal concept. This is a hard post to write without sounding pathetic but as you know, most of my post are about the darker side of being transgender. So what do I do with my Snow Day? My day off without the bed time? The same as every day Pinky, I settle into the darkness and wonder why I'm still here. It's no surprise that I can endure my own hell creation, I've survived everything else for sure. Clearly I'm sitting here waiting for something to happen one way or another. I focus on two things; the positive, the physical completion of my transition journey which in this hell is unattainable or the other positive, death by other than my own means. I've put death by suicide on hold for now, not wanting to add to the trauma I've already caused my children but it's always a consideration. Pathetic, yes? Anyway a Snow Day in hell is better than a No Day in hell.