The Season of the Mouse It should be no surprise to anyone who by random misfortune stumbles across this blog that there are significant time lapses to my postings. The major reason for that is that although my depression is ever present it is also cyclical in its intensity. Autumn is the season of the Mouse but I prefer to call it The Fall. It is the time in which I visit my darkest feelings, the time of my darkest memories, the time and place where I face my fears. I can go on for months dealing with the ups and downs by the use of drugs and sleep in the learned management of my condition but a certain time of year comes along and I am victim to all of the unsaid things. The Holidays. The Holidays are my kryptonite. I detest them. From All Hallows Eve, through Thanksgiving and on to X-mas it is a surrealistic misrepresentation of usurped rituals for the sake of commercialism. For me it is a far greater disturbance. It is the time of my expulsion, my being exiled for the simple reason of choosing to be me. The time in which I said no to my denial. The time in which I decided it was no longer a world in which I wanted to live. So, enough of this drivel. But, there's more . . . Yes, over 40% of us have attempted suicide at some time during our transition. Who cares? Certainly not you cisgendered peeps. What are we to you? Nothing. We are freaks. We are partners who betrayed, sons and daughters who crushed your hopes, parents who did the unthinkable. I get so tired in this season. I look at couples who have overcome the "change" and I am envious. The idea that love can overcome obstacles does not fit into my experience. I am left with hate and emptiness. That is what occupies the hole that once held love. During this season in which I go deep into the darkness I challenge the hate and plead with the emptiness but so far I've always lost. I'm used to losing. Losing and surviving, sounds like a Greek tragedy. If it is true "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I should be invincible by now. I don't feel invincible. I will be visible for the rest of this season, more or less, but I won't be with you. I have found a place to hide.

Oh me, oh my, the time does fly. What's time to a pig? Ask Spider John Koener. I'm definitely feeling a change coming on but I don't know whether it's favorable or not. Do we ever? My astrological gurus think they have a clue but really they don't even though I love to listen to their lovely rantings. Each day is what I, or you make it. Today I didn't march in the streets to protest this fucking shit storm of a government we have at the moment and I bet you didn't either. Why the fuck not? Because I am a lame ass complacent moron just like the rest of you. How did we sink to this muck level of existence? Advertising. Television. Social media. Distraction. You are not powerful because you choose not to be. Harsh, yes? Will you take up the cause and fight back at the corporate takeover of America? No, you won't because you don't have a clue how to do such a thing. We do not communicate with each other, we push buttons on electronic devises. We need to commune. We need to sit together and take the good drugs once again. We need to find the ethic we almost claimed in the 60's and expand it. Capitalism killed the 60's movement and we must be Dr. Frankenstein and resurrect that monster that can bring it down. Unlearn the teaching that wealth equals power. Knowledge is the true power and we must wake everyone up! Democratic Socialism is the way to level the playing field. As the poor and the middle class rise up, the 1% lose their power over us. This is the way of eliminating the greedy and becoming an earth-first global society. Sounds like science fiction but it is not. We are now in the worst-case-scenario projected by science fiction writers in the 1940's. Their bad dreams have come true and we let it happen as they predicted. I could go on and on, rant and rant but will it change? I think not. Personally, I will fight for my own survival but I think the whole of humanity is coming to a fast close. I hope I'm wrong and I find a band of capable Zealots bent on saving humanity for humanity's sake and not for profit and we will fight like super heroes against the elitist oppressors. One can dream.

Hello again. As always, it's been awhile. The war against us LGBT folks has escalated, trans murders are at a high and we now have the most repressive government in American history. Should I even post? I'm still drinking which isn't a revelation to anyone who knows me, so whatever I have to say should be taken as compromised by reality. Are we really going to do this? The new civil war? Conservative against liberal, born again pseudo christian against free thinker? I know you fraidycats with all your guns think you have the advantage but do you ever think of all the ex-military liberals who no longer believe in war who would in a second rise up and snap your like twigs? There is liberalism and there is survival. The conservatives by their own accord have determined their demise. Greed is not sustainable. This nation will live on only if it accepts the diverse nature of humanity, allows for individual belief systems and upholds the separation of church and state. What has been forgotten is that we are here on Earth for each other as humans. I think this is the test. If we fail, we can all say goodbye.

What a world, what a world . . .

How does one write the ending of a life. For that matter, when does one know it's the last chapter? Circumstances can appear to be the ending chapter but in actuality be only the continuance of the story. I am at that crossroad, not knowing whether this is the end or the beginning of a new story line. Nonetheless I'm tired. I could go either way with no regret. Let me tell you about my current life, should you be at all interested . .. I am in a living purgatory, transgender without the financial means to complete my physical transition. This leaves me in a state of self-loathing in regards to my body in its present form. I'm not the only one in this state so I don't ask for any special privilege. In the more advanced nations of this earth the medical treatments of my condition are addressed by their health care systems. In the United State this is not the case. Why is this? When did greed overturn humanity? I need to get out of here. Help.

Snow days vs. No days

February 9th, another Snow Day in most of New England. Here in Easthampton Ma about 14 inches of the white stuff settled down, closing schools, businesses, my own included and giving many people a needed day off from the absurdity of life in America, 2017. I'll take it. In my life I also have "No Days". These are the days in which my clinical depression takes hold and also gives me a day off though I usually spend it in bed seeing that I'm quite incapacitated when these No days happen. This is a reasonable trade off, in my opinion, for being able to hold it together in a productive state of adulting for most of the time when not so long ago this wasn't the case.

"Imagine, if you will, coming to realize that a life in denial for fifty years was as good as it was going to get and the rest of your life as your true self is just a walk through hell." Not that I don't have friends here, on the contrary, I have more friends now than ever and they may or not be on their own path through hell, hell being a very subjective and personal concept. This is a hard post to write without sounding pathetic but as you know, most of my post are about the darker side of being transgender. So what do I do with my Snow Day? My day off without the bed time? The same as every day Pinky, I settle into the darkness and wonder why I'm still here. It's no surprise that I can endure my own hell creation, I've survived everything else for sure. Clearly I'm sitting here waiting for something to happen one way or another. I focus on two things; the positive, the physical completion of my transition journey which in this hell is unattainable or the other positive, death by other than my own means. I've put death by suicide on hold for now, not wanting to add to the trauma I've already caused my children but it's always a consideration. Pathetic, yes? Anyway a Snow Day in hell is better than a No Day in hell.

Happy Birthday to Me - Not Dead Yet

Three score and seven years ago a hole opened up in the space-time continuum. Through a blinding light alien mechanical arms thrust in to grab me and against my will, pulled me into that alter dimension. Thus began my saga . . . The first three years or so I have little memory of and can only relate through hearsay. They must have drugged me. Story has it that the human pair I was allotted to was in crisis. The male member of the pair, who I later learned to call "Dad", was in intensive care after undergoing a brain tumor operation that was quite risky for its time. The odds were against his survival but he did survive in spite of that. His total recovery took up most of those first three years and I was probably left to my own devises much of that time. The female, "Mom", had to devote her efforts to that recovery and I believe it resulted in a lack of bonding between us which never did remedy itself. I was alone in this dimension and alone I would stay. I should add here that in this dimension, and in particular this culture, there was no such thing as variable gender constructs of self-identity. This cultural aberration wasted no time in making my life a living hell as the haze of unknowing lifted and I began to see things clearly. My childhood in a nutshell . .. "I can't be this boy . . . where's Me?"

Let's go another year

Merry happy holidays, believers, non-believers, idiots, savants, time travelers, con-artists, and of course my fellow transgendered humanoids. Living in America? lucky, fucking you! Ain't this a shitstorm! We almost thought we were getting somewhere, right? Like me, you didn't think he had a snowball's chance in hell, right? And yet, weren't we the fools, thinking that America couldn't possibly be such a collective of ignorant bastards. It's happened, yes, the idiots are indeed running the asylum and we need to be very wary. I know most of you are very nice, peace minded individuals and won't like this but I strongly advise all transgender folk to take the course, get a permit and get yourself a gun. (and of course, if you're in one of those states where you can just go down to the 7Eleven and buy that Mag .44, do it!)Don't try to buy them for the rest of us, I don't want you putting yourself in jeopardy. We transfolk are about to become the most convenient scapegoat for the next four years and possibly the next eight. We must brace ourselves for a tirade of legislation to keep us from being considered part of humanity. Lock and load, ladies. The most unexpected side effect of this year's election is the opening of the gates of repressed hatred. Hate speech has become normalized in the discourse of corporate media, and much worse than that, violent action against liberals, progressives, gays, transfolk, educators, scientists, non-whites is sanctioned by virtue of a Trump presidency. There will be internal backlash at first, but this well played coup has all the money people in place to shut down any opposition. Sorry, McCain. All that and I wanted to talk about loneliness. Go figure.