Times, they are a changing. This is good for the whole of the transgender community. It is less so for some of us. I applaud the new exposure of the trans experience. Caitlyn, Lavern, Candice and even Jenny, who is jumping on the wagon of these new trans celebrities though her books weren't that great. I had my doubts about Caitlyn but I confess, bravo to you, girl! I don't think anyone could have pulled this off better! In fact, I think you will do more for the acceptance of transfolk than anyone before you. Be well. I, on the other hand, side, world, whatever, will not benefit from this new wave of acceptance. I am aged out, unable to afford the bio-modifications that would let me enter the new world of trans acceptance. It's a glamorous world to be sure. I have no problem with that. Celebrity is all about glamour. If I could go back in time and transition at a young age, without the knowledge of the three children I helped to produce therefore not having the guilt of wiping out their existence I would in a heartbeat. Of course, their existence upon the world did happen and who am I to be such a beast as to eliminate my own children. I accept my fate. Unlike Ms. Jenner I was ousted from my former life situation with nothing but a roof over my head which was only paid in advance for a very short time. I was alone, debt ridden and suffering from clinical depression yet somehow I survived. There were special people involved with that survival who I may talk about later. When I had enough strength to move away I did. I was still in a depressed state but somehow and with the help of a friend and a son I continued. On the social plane, I rebuilt myself but on the internal I am no more healed than the day I was banished from my own family. This is why I cannot watch any program or movie concerning trans people. I have lived a life in pain, transitioning at an old age and still not being able to see it through. Though I've often contemplated suicide, I have a high threshold for pain and I'll probably see to live out the fifteen or twenty years I have left. The family that exiled me is now dealing with the repercussions of that era. I was almost drawn into the fray but somehow I managed to see it for what it was. Not my fight. I survived my exile, deal with your own conscience. So, as for the current exposure of the trans experience, I hope you all learn something valuable and realize that we are as much a part of humanity as the rest of you. I am not able to be restored at this point but there are thousands who are. Please treat them like humans.

The Mouse returns. This is a tough one. What do I say about the current media hype concerning transgender folks? How can I not love the newly emerged Caitlyn? We are the same age, the same mutation, sisters in arms. One of us is privileged and of the means to access any and all modifications to be the person of her dreams and one is not. I am the not. I struggle daily with the will to live. I say the three names of my children and I continue. This is a ritual. Each day I get over it, I move on, I do what I am good at. Yet, I can't feel that it's enough. Mainly because it has nothing to do with the pursuit of my own happiness. So selfish a wish and the last remnant of the guilt I carry for the act of transitioning. It has taken fifteen years to work through that guilt and each and every step has cost a piece of my soul. Hopefully there's spark left to ignite a new flame but it will take someone else to fan it. I am nearly done. I've tried my best to be another's idea of "me" and I don't regret it because it is what was. I do believe in fate, as ridiculous as that sounds but without it my past would be insignificant. Whatever time I have left is anyone's guess and I will cherish it with all the hope of one who has experienced life in and of many manifestations. It's been real. Let's hope there's more.

I've decided to start a new series called "Adventures in Transitioning". Much has changed since Jedi-mouse's last entry (which I apologize for) and I feel that the current media interest in the topic of transgender lives should be expounded upon for all it's worth. You already know, if you've read any Jedi-mouse rantings, that I speak from the "I". I do not profess in any way to be the truth for all transfolk. It is true, however, that for each generation, the stories of transitioning are quite similar, and often "textbook" in their likeness. Being a child of the '50's and '60's and transitioning late in life, I am Bornstein, Boylan, and now Jenner and so many others. Those of us who lived most of our lives in denial have a story far different from those who are now transitioning at such a young age with the acceptance of family, the medical establishment and step by little step from our society itself. A few years ago I tried to write a bio of my entire life experience and even posted one segment in the Jedi-mouse blog. This didn't work so well for me as a cathartic or freeing experience as I ended up in a heap of tears night after night recalling the trauma of growing up as me. This time I'll try to be more "episode" minded in how I present my saga. I'll go into my early dreams, the angel who lived in my head and how I learned to survive my own insanity. Stay tuned.

It's Easter 2015 and I'm surprised that I'm still here. I concede that that is a multi-level statement and I should elaborate. When I was a younger human, posing as a male, I never entertained the thought that I would live this long, not long in current human longevity standards anyway. Halfway into transition I realized that I'd signed away any assets that would enable me to complete the journey. I don't believe in trying to reconstruct the bridges burned so I was left with a sense of winding down to the inevitable end. Unfortunately or fortunately, whichever you prefer, I have reclaimed part of my past life as a means of continuing this new one. It's not a happy one by any means but it enables me to still be here. All this must confuse those who put a high value on still being alive. I'm not one of them. I've entwined myself with others who now depend on my continuation. That is the only reason I don't end it as you read this. My talents are a culmination of teachings left to me by other humans, past and present. I have no desire to leave these teachings kept from others deemed worthy of this knowledge. So I continue to work and teach. Being here, however, in my present form, sucks. I am transgender and can't do anything about that but I don't have to like it. Believe me, it was so much nicer to live as a white male with white male privilege but that's the past. This is reality and if I wasn't as tough and resilient as I am, you wouldn't be reading this. Quoting Walter Cronkite, "that's the way it is". Now I live in a progressive community that seems for the most part to treat me as an equal human except for the daily "double takes and mis-gendendering comments" that a trans-person has to deal with. I pass these off and pretend I'm not bothered by it, otherwise I'd lose the clients that I need to stay in business. But I have to say here, and this is a BIG but, musicians are the exception and I have NEVER been maligned or disrespected by my friends in the music world. There seems to be a non-bias aspect to being a musician. A language that transcends discrimination. These people are another reason why I stay here. Then there are my children. How can I just quit being when they are still here for me to connect with. I have experienced the loss of my parents and as I know that is a "right of passage" in the human experience, I would rather that it happen by natural causes than by my own efforts. The last part of this rant, I suppose, is to my friends who practice ceremonial rites during this time. I applaud you for your adherence to tradition but I beg you to consider the reality of human existence in this time. It is dire. There needs to be a new paradigm in our goals as human and it does not lie in the beliefs of the past. Please look forward. Look at your children. Is this the world you want them to inherit? We can be so much more. Look to the stars. If I had the power, I would make it all right but I don't. I'm just one flawed human. Good luck.

Such a lazy mouse. Nothing to say? This lack of writing is not a good omen. Well, something has come up to bring me back to the keyboard. A ghost of the past has come to haunt. It's no news that my transition came with a great loss of family and friends. Besides my three children, I can count on one hand the family members who stayed supportive to me and still have fingers left. The rest let me fall off the cliff and ran off before they could hear the thud of my impact with the rock bottom. I didn't have the energy to feel betrayed or to even wonder why at the time. Transition rips you open and turns you inside out, with everything you've ever felt laying bare on the grimy sidewalk, but you know that already or you wouldn't be reading my blog. It gets ugly. Now, after ten years, one of the detached has chosen to contact via social media with no explanation as to why. Just jumping into conversation as if I'd lost the memory of the last decade. Is this a probe? . . . to see if I am amicable to this re-connection? . . . do I hold no grudge? . . . is it "water under the bridge" and all that? I'm perplexed and confounded. So far, I've been cordial in my response but I find myself becoming bothered by it. My survival of the aforementioned ugly mess was aided by my acceptance of loss. Those who let me fall made that choice in their own interest and fear of the repercussions that come with an alliance to a social outcast as I was. Done and done. I survived, eventually, with the aid of true friends and allies and I now have more good people around me than ever before in my life. and a cat. always a cat. Suitable for a Jedi-Mouse. I think that an explanation of why should precede a reaching out a decade later by someone who was willing to watch you die. Yes?, no?, maybe? . . . I'll ask the cat.

Arise from the ashes, Jedi-Mouse. It's time to talk again. My left big toe doesn't bend anymore due to having been broken twice from surfing incidents. It's only a minor pain but it's a constant reminder of a past life. I went to a transgender support event today and lasted twenty minutes before I had to leave out of boredom, frustration, disgust and a heaping pile of self-hatred. I went to support a friend who is a comedienne and was scheduled to perform but I couldn't last until her slotted set. I sat through an unbearably trivial dissertation by various tran-men prose which left me depressed beyond measure. That's too many "I"s so let's get to the matter. Walking home in the rain, realizing yes, I was tripping on a mushroom cap because I thought it would put me in a better place to endure the distaste I was about to feel but it had the opposite effect making me feel by the power of ten the self-hatred I have for being transgender. It's a hard thing to admit but long overdue. It took several snifters of bourbon and four episodes of "House" before I could even start writing. Not all of me has survived transition. The warrior mouse lives on as well as the artist, the musician, the jester . . . but the person is broken. Now "she", she is terrified, alone and self-destructive. Too many regrets, too many losses. Land locked and drying out like a beached dogfish. I can't smell the ocean anymore. I can't find the me that was suppose to be there. What a freakish thing to live a fifty year lie, to be an actor and watching life play out through false eyes. "What a world, what a world" was the cry as the life of fifty years of experience that equaled ten ordinary lives dissolved into a pool of water. "Where are my tits!" cries Myra Breckinridge waking up from surgery . . . All my references are ancient by today's trans standards. I won't be on the cover of Time. Amazon won't be showing a series of my life, however similar to today's version. My life is over. What's left is a remnant, a ghost of a life that had so much potential in it that it can carry on without the person in it. I'll play that out, whatever is left, until it too dissolves.

Another long absence.

I must be the poster child for clinical depression for skipping time in such fashion. Hibernation is not just for the bears. As much as I try to be part of the daily social routine I cannot. Why is it so important to be seen as a functioning normal human when you are anything but. Yet, my dark side is no one's problem but my own so why do I wish to relate it to anyone? Good question. I write to prove I am? Maybe but I think there is more to it. I think it is an attempt at self-healing, to expunge bad humors without having the aid of leeches. So, in fact, I'm writing to myself. A fact-check memo to a self-loathing entity. Poor mouse, courageous to the end. Fighting the good fight yet never gaining an inch. What is the limit to altruism? Everyone has unfulfilled needs. Does that mean it is my place to aid everyone I come in contact with? Hardly, I think, yet everyone affects me. Empathy is a curse. The mercenary has it right, pay up front. Self-preservation is the only raison-d'etre. There lies the real problem, that self-preservation thing. Shall we rehash the details?; I am a transsexual mouse, knowing from as long as I can remember that I was born in the wrong body. Timing for that was terrible, society was an absolute binary - man, woman,(preferably white). A boy-child expressing feminine thoughts was to be beaten or worse. I learned to adapt, becoming what they (parents) wanted to see but never bonding as a real person. Such a burden to play the role of the opposite until it became the norm. What a ruse to believe in the actor knowing all along you are insane. Until I was fifty years old I played that role and so abruptly the play ended. A few messy years sorting out the what-am-Is, losing everyone you loved and who you imagined loved you, not to mention everything you worked for, then being summarily dismissed. If there is a place below "rock-bottom" I certainly lived there for a couple of years then slowly climbed back up to street level society. I used what talents I retained from before the fall to build a new persona and found a way to maintain a poverty existence but never able to afford the changes I need to feel human again. In raw terms, no one understands a woman with a penis or even wants to, let alone fight for change in a medical system that sees no need in caring for such a person. I'm getting tired of this life. No, I don't need an intervention, I need a change of location. It's time to go back to the ocean. I need the smells and sounds of shore life. That's what I'll live for.