This is "Trans Awareness Month". Facebook says it is, so I guess it must be true. By "Trans" I take it to mean transgender or transsexual, or transnormative . . .I'm in there somewhere. I, for one, am certainly aware of my being trans. I'm aware of losing my partner of twenty years because I'm trans. (yeah, that "I love the person inside you" is bullshit, at least in my life) I'm aware of losing my home, jobs, friends and extended family because I am trans. I'm aware of being very alone because I am trans. I'm aware of wanting to die because I am trans. I've got the awareness thing down. I'm aware every minute of every day of that fact and all they? we? whothefuck? are asking the cis world is that you be aware that we exist for one month. Be aware that most of us are not celebrities with surgically enhanced bodies which is the only version of us you will see in the media, unless we've murdered someone or have been murdered which is more likely. You seem to like us when we've been murdered. It makes the headlines once in awhile. Of course you will mis-gender us in print and call us "men disguised as women" or vise-versa. You will seldom use our real names or real identities (the ones we know ourselves to be)and go for the hate value of whatever shit tabloid you write for. One month of accepting that we are real, human, as valuable as anyone else. A one month "cease-fire" would be nice, too. C'mon, is that too much to ask? We're not asking for a holiday or anything . . . . just one month to not be afraid to walk in public, eat at a restaurant without being stared at, shop in a store without being asked to leave because we make the regular customers uncomfortable . . . we are regular customers, you twats. (Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself, the profane ranting comes later.) Other trans people I know are being quite positive about this whole thing, posting "I Support Trans Awareness" and such. I just don't see it that way. Vanity Fair, Time, media exposure have certainly increased awareness but to what avail? This year which is not ended yet has the highest trans murdered rate to date. Is there a correlation? The majority of the victims this year as in every year are trans women of color. Where is the outrage over that? Is it racism mixed with transphobia or is there a socioeconomic aspect to consider? How about more awareness of these facts and less awareness of breast augmentations. Still waiting for the profanity part? Go fuck yourself!

Oh my! Not since last April have I spoken. I've tried to stay away from the dark side but as the last days of this electoral farce come to a close I will speak again. You fools, you fools, you self destructive morons. . . how this advertising agency called main stream media has you in their manipulative vise grip. The collective ignorance of the American people is overwhelming. How else could a moronic, privileged, shit for brains become the hero of the new, Tea Party version of the Republican party? What a colossal miscalculation! Boehner the boner is gone, he didn't realize that ignorance can't be controlled. The "Turtle" speaks as if he still has relevance but he is as gone as his compatriot. A once literate, regardless of how conservative, Republican Party is a thing of the past and there will never again be a give and take, able to negotiate, Congress that I grew up with. There are no more O'Neils, Kennedys, Byrds, Johnsons who were willing to sit and talk to hash out the needs of the people. Now there are only tools of corporations who defy compromise and viciously denounce any opposition to their agenda. Voters did this. These people did not elect themselves. Yes, there was oodles of corporate money behind the elections but you/we the voters did not do our diligence in searching out the truth. We as a collective accepted the media version of the truth. Shame on us/you. There is a slim chance that a moronic, unacceptable human could actually be placed as the President of the United States and that speaks of the decades of the dismantling of the American public school system. "An educated populace is a dangerous populace" . . . said no one in public but understood by every elitist string puller in the upper levels of the "seeing eye" pyramid. Why is there no Middle Class in America today? Why are public schools so unworthy as to make you vote for "charter schools" which are being portrayed as the "answer to the problem". Are you that stupid? Well yes, I guess so because we are where we are, eh? WE are certainly at a crossroads. A reckoning is due and the Devil will have his day. However, as a believer in species evolution I think intelligence has a lot to do with survival. A once unimaginable empire is about to crumble to dust because of the arrogance of the banking elite. Good. I've seen too much. I've fought against higher powers to no avail. It's going to come to a bad end very soon but the intelligent survivors will lead what is left to a new future. I hope it is a better future.

Yeah Bernie! What's that? The game is still rigged? Yeah, we know. New Hampshire has "superdelegates" that "trump" public opinion, er, voting. As in, Hillary gets the delegates anyway because she paid for them in advance. As long as the electoral college still exists we will never have true majority voting. My prediction . . . if we let Hillary take the primary by legal crookery we will end up with Trump in the White House and the immediate collapse of the Republic of the United States. I'm voting for Bernie even if I have to write him in.

Oh dear, this is when I probably shouldn't speak but will anyway. It's been sixteen years since the switch was flipped that started the inevitable transition from my pseudo-male existence to my appropriate female existence but here I am in a pit of despair, to be overly dramatic, in the failure of said transition. It ain't happening, to be non-eloquently blunt. I have hit the wall of financial inadequacy. (I love the big words of failure) Transgender is the new "avant garde" if you fit the Hollywood model of glamour queen. You might even get your own TV show. Unfortunately for the ordinary, less-than-pageant-grade transfolk life still sucks. I thought there was still a reason that I function among the cis-gendered population but I've completely lost that idea. Nothing makes sense anymore. There are things to do but very little ambition to do them. I can't afford the "goal" anymore so things have been reduced to the "playing out the endgame". If I can muster the energy I will try to make it interesting.

January 24th, two weeks of slow moving non-winter. I avoid the media due to it being "all Trump, all the time" with the increasing fear mongering from the Hillary camp since they have once again misjudged the commoner's intelligence and need for the non-corrupted candidate. They will revert to mud slinging and lies and in the end, lose. It got cold for awhile and the cosmos seems to have sucked out all the energy I had in reserve. Full moon depression is in effect and a week from my 66th birthday I'm not looking forward to another year of the same life. I've hit a huge wall in the two major parts of it, continuing transition and music. Transition is in idle. After 13 years of hormone treatment, this old body has changed as much as it can on its own which is not nearly enough for me to feel like the person I am inside my head. I need to be acceptable to myself as well as the broader public and that will never happen without some expensive surgeries. The current hype and exposure of trans people, particularly the celebrity, moneyed and surgically reconstructed trans people has made it much more difficult for those like myself to continue to move among the cis-gendered without being pointed at. If was better when no one knew what transgender meant, I was just an old lady with a husky voice. I do have friends but because of the stares, mis-gendering and behind the back questioning I will never let anyone get close to me. The music problem is just a follow up to that. I've given up any thoughts of ever being a professional musician again because the genres of music I play are not likely to be accepting of me in the foreseeable future. That's to say nothing of the fact that I'm "aged out" of any real chance of that happening anyway. I need to find a new drug, one that makes you like being alone.

January 7th, it got warm again in New England, thanks, El Nino. I can't ski for shit so I have no complaints for mild winters. Cowboy clowns in a bird sanctuary . . . alive because they're not black or hispanic. It would be comical if it wasn't so pathetic and an example of what's wrong with this country. They brought guns to a protest so they must expect to go down like Bowie and Crockett. I hope they get their wish. The Donald gets clobbered in Bernieland. If anyone doesn't know by now that Trump's been working for the Clintons then go back to bed. TransCanada Pipeline goons sue the USA for not coming through with the XL Pipeline deal. A little bit early on this one . . . the TPP which is not passed yet but is silently progressing with a media blackout will have a provision that will allow corporations to sue governments in cases like this . . . claiming corporate rule trumps national interest. what a world, what a world. Enough about you and the world, what about me? Well, I'll be sixty-six at the end of this month and that means I won't be insane anymore. I got my letter from the government telling me that I no longer will be designated as a disability due to mental illness but I will advance to just being old and therefore will collect ordinary social security. See, time cures everything. Many of you may not have known that I was insane as I pulled that off quite well. It will be nice to be elderly and harmless for once. By the way, I'm almost finished with the restoration of a vintage katana. Got my amended birth certificate stating that my gender designation was mistakenly recorded by the attending nurse. Frankly, I think that's a non-apology from pseudo-liberal MA legislators. Don't acknowledge the science, just blame it on the nurse. I'll take it nonetheless. No more hoop-jumping. It doesn't change much on the reality show of my transgender life, however. There will still be the mis-gendering, the staring by overweight local-yokels in the diner and the self-loathing, that never goes away. Every social media post by a celebrity or celebrity-wannabe trans person just adds more to my depression, especially the self-proclaimed academic experts and activists. Go fuck yourself, I say. There goes my spot on "I am Cait". Not much else, the world did not end today.

Ah, back again. It's 2016, a new year and I believe it's a year of writing. the fact is, I don't see past this year so I assume it is a year of diary. I was much like my father until I transitioned so that may have set the course of my lifetime askew. As I now believe that my genetic inheritance of my gender dysphoric nature is a given, I can only surmise what my ancestors felt in their confusion of gender ambiguity. As far as I know, they handled it admirably, unless I'm entirely wrong and my gender variant problems are quite happenstance as is the rule of chaos. So be it, Pooh tweet and all that. I need to speak nonetheless. As formidable as I was, I don't have the means to complete this journey. I'm stuck on a planet in a situation of little return for my efforts and I have no transport available. The beings here are quaint but ineffectual. Some work against the other for self gain while others simply give in to the status quo. There are few real warriors here. They are easily manipulated into following a stronger presence but I see no value in that. There is no reason to rally these people since there is no valid cause to set them to fight for. They are lost. They have actually deteriorated their own environment for the sake of individual profit, meaning that some of them are willing to sacrifice others to better themselves. In all the galaxy this is the worst behavior of an aware species that I've encountered. If I can't get beyond this situation then I think that this will be my last cycle, therefore I've decided to record this last year in text. Over.