Yeah Bernie! What's that? The game is still rigged? Yeah, we know. New Hampshire has "superdelegates" that "trump" public opinion, er, voting. As in, Hillary gets the delegates anyway because she paid for them in advance. As long as the electoral college still exists we will never have true majority voting. My prediction . . . if we let Hillary take the primary by legal crookery we will end up with Trump in the White House and the immediate collapse of the Republic of the United States. I'm voting for Bernie even if I have to write him in.

Oh dear, this is when I probably shouldn't speak but will anyway. It's been sixteen years since the switch was flipped that started the inevitable transition from my pseudo-male existence to my appropriate female existence but here I am in a pit of despair, to be overly dramatic, in the failure of said transition. It ain't happening, to be non-eloquently blunt. I have hit the wall of financial inadequacy. (I love the big words of failure) Transgender is the new "avant garde" if you fit the Hollywood model of glamour queen. You might even get your own TV show. Unfortunately for the ordinary, less-than-pageant-grade transfolk life still sucks. I thought there was still a reason that I function among the cis-gendered population but I've completely lost that idea. Nothing makes sense anymore. There are things to do but very little ambition to do them. I can't afford the "goal" anymore so things have been reduced to the "playing out the endgame". If I can muster the energy I will try to make it interesting.

January 24th, two weeks of slow moving non-winter. I avoid the media due to it being "all Trump, all the time" with the increasing fear mongering from the Hillary camp since they have once again misjudged the commoner's intelligence and need for the non-corrupted candidate. They will revert to mud slinging and lies and in the end, lose. It got cold for awhile and the cosmos seems to have sucked out all the energy I had in reserve. Full moon depression is in effect and a week from my 66th birthday I'm not looking forward to another year of the same life. I've hit a huge wall in the two major parts of it, continuing transition and music. Transition is in idle. After 13 years of hormone treatment, this old body has changed as much as it can on its own which is not nearly enough for me to feel like the person I am inside my head. I need to be acceptable to myself as well as the broader public and that will never happen without some expensive surgeries. The current hype and exposure of trans people, particularly the celebrity, moneyed and surgically reconstructed trans people has made it much more difficult for those like myself to continue to move among the cis-gendered without being pointed at. If was better when no one knew what transgender meant, I was just an old lady with a husky voice. I do have friends but because of the stares, mis-gendering and behind the back questioning I will never let anyone get close to me. The music problem is just a follow up to that. I've given up any thoughts of ever being a professional musician again because the genres of music I play are not likely to be accepting of me in the foreseeable future. That's to say nothing of the fact that I'm "aged out" of any real chance of that happening anyway. I need to find a new drug, one that makes you like being alone.

January 7th, it got warm again in New England, thanks, El Nino. I can't ski for shit so I have no complaints for mild winters. Cowboy clowns in a bird sanctuary . . . alive because they're not black or hispanic. It would be comical if it wasn't so pathetic and an example of what's wrong with this country. They brought guns to a protest so they must expect to go down like Bowie and Crockett. I hope they get their wish. The Donald gets clobbered in Bernieland. If anyone doesn't know by now that Trump's been working for the Clintons then go back to bed. TransCanada Pipeline goons sue the USA for not coming through with the XL Pipeline deal. A little bit early on this one . . . the TPP which is not passed yet but is silently progressing with a media blackout will have a provision that will allow corporations to sue governments in cases like this . . . claiming corporate rule trumps national interest. what a world, what a world. Enough about you and the world, what about me? Well, I'll be sixty-six at the end of this month and that means I won't be insane anymore. I got my letter from the government telling me that I no longer will be designated as a disability due to mental illness but I will advance to just being old and therefore will collect ordinary social security. See, time cures everything. Many of you may not have known that I was insane as I pulled that off quite well. It will be nice to be elderly and harmless for once. By the way, I'm almost finished with the restoration of a vintage katana. Got my amended birth certificate stating that my gender designation was mistakenly recorded by the attending nurse. Frankly, I think that's a non-apology from pseudo-liberal MA legislators. Don't acknowledge the science, just blame it on the nurse. I'll take it nonetheless. No more hoop-jumping. It doesn't change much on the reality show of my transgender life, however. There will still be the mis-gendering, the staring by overweight local-yokels in the diner and the self-loathing, that never goes away. Every social media post by a celebrity or celebrity-wannabe trans person just adds more to my depression, especially the self-proclaimed academic experts and activists. Go fuck yourself, I say. There goes my spot on "I am Cait". Not much else, the world did not end today.

Ah, back again. It's 2016, a new year and I believe it's a year of writing. the fact is, I don't see past this year so I assume it is a year of diary. I was much like my father until I transitioned so that may have set the course of my lifetime askew. As I now believe that my genetic inheritance of my gender dysphoric nature is a given, I can only surmise what my ancestors felt in their confusion of gender ambiguity. As far as I know, they handled it admirably, unless I'm entirely wrong and my gender variant problems are quite happenstance as is the rule of chaos. So be it, Pooh tweet and all that. I need to speak nonetheless. As formidable as I was, I don't have the means to complete this journey. I'm stuck on a planet in a situation of little return for my efforts and I have no transport available. The beings here are quaint but ineffectual. Some work against the other for self gain while others simply give in to the status quo. There are few real warriors here. They are easily manipulated into following a stronger presence but I see no value in that. There is no reason to rally these people since there is no valid cause to set them to fight for. They are lost. They have actually deteriorated their own environment for the sake of individual profit, meaning that some of them are willing to sacrifice others to better themselves. In all the galaxy this is the worst behavior of an aware species that I've encountered. If I can't get beyond this situation then I think that this will be my last cycle, therefore I've decided to record this last year in text. Over.

Times, they are a changing. This is good for the whole of the transgender community. It is less so for some of us. I applaud the new exposure of the trans experience. Caitlyn, Lavern, Candice and even Jenny, who is jumping on the wagon of these new trans celebrities though her books weren't that great. I had my doubts about Caitlyn but I confess, bravo to you, girl! I don't think anyone could have pulled this off better! In fact, I think you will do more for the acceptance of transfolk than anyone before you. Be well. I, on the other hand, side, world, whatever, will not benefit from this new wave of acceptance. I am aged out, unable to afford the bio-modifications that would let me enter the new world of trans acceptance. It's a glamorous world to be sure. I have no problem with that. Celebrity is all about glamour. If I could go back in time and transition at a young age, without the knowledge of the three children I helped to produce therefore not having the guilt of wiping out their existence I would in a heartbeat. Of course, their existence upon the world did happen and who am I to be such a beast as to eliminate my own children. I accept my fate. Unlike Ms. Jenner I was ousted from my former life situation with nothing but a roof over my head which was only paid in advance for a very short time. I was alone, debt ridden and suffering from clinical depression yet somehow I survived. There were special people involved with that survival who I may talk about later. When I had enough strength to move away I did. I was still in a depressed state but somehow and with the help of a friend and a son I continued. On the social plane, I rebuilt myself but on the internal I am no more healed than the day I was banished from my own family. This is why I cannot watch any program or movie concerning trans people. I have lived a life in pain, transitioning at an old age and still not being able to see it through. Though I've often contemplated suicide, I have a high threshold for pain and I'll probably see to live out the fifteen or twenty years I have left. The family that exiled me is now dealing with the repercussions of that era. I was almost drawn into the fray but somehow I managed to see it for what it was. Not my fight. I survived my exile, deal with your own conscience. So, as for the current exposure of the trans experience, I hope you all learn something valuable and realize that we are as much a part of humanity as the rest of you. I am not able to be restored at this point but there are thousands who are. Please treat them like humans.

The Mouse returns. This is a tough one. What do I say about the current media hype concerning transgender folks? How can I not love the newly emerged Caitlyn? We are the same age, the same mutation, sisters in arms. One of us is privileged and of the means to access any and all modifications to be the person of her dreams and one is not. I am the not. I struggle daily with the will to live. I say the three names of my children and I continue. This is a ritual. Each day I get over it, I move on, I do what I am good at. Yet, I can't feel that it's enough. Mainly because it has nothing to do with the pursuit of my own happiness. So selfish a wish and the last remnant of the guilt I carry for the act of transitioning. It has taken fifteen years to work through that guilt and each and every step has cost a piece of my soul. Hopefully there's spark left to ignite a new flame but it will take someone else to fan it. I am nearly done. I've tried my best to be another's idea of "me" and I don't regret it because it is what was. I do believe in fate, as ridiculous as that sounds but without it my past would be insignificant. Whatever time I have left is anyone's guess and I will cherish it with all the hope of one who has experienced life in and of many manifestations. It's been real. Let's hope there's more.