January 24th, two weeks of slow moving non-winter. I avoid the media due to it being "all Trump, all the time" with the increasing fear mongering from the Hillary camp since they have once again misjudged the commoner's intelligence and need for the non-corrupted candidate. They will revert to mud slinging and lies and in the end, lose. It got cold for awhile and the cosmos seems to have sucked out all the energy I had in reserve. Full moon depression is in effect and a week from my 66th birthday I'm not looking forward to another year of the same life. I've hit a huge wall in the two major parts of it, continuing transition and music. Transition is in idle. After 13 years of hormone treatment, this old body has changed as much as it can on its own which is not nearly enough for me to feel like the person I am inside my head. I need to be acceptable to myself as well as the broader public and that will never happen without some expensive surgeries. The current hype and exposure of trans people, particularly the celebrity, moneyed and surgically reconstructed trans people has made it much more difficult for those like myself to continue to move among the cis-gendered without being pointed at. If was better when no one knew what transgender meant, I was just an old lady with a husky voice. I do have friends but because of the stares, mis-gendering and behind the back questioning I will never let anyone get close to me. The music problem is just a follow up to that. I've given up any thoughts of ever being a professional musician again because the genres of music I play are not likely to be accepting of me in the foreseeable future. That's to say nothing of the fact that I'm "aged out" of any real chance of that happening anyway. I need to find a new drug, one that makes you like being alone.

January 7th, it got warm again in New England, thanks, El Nino. I can't ski for shit so I have no complaints for mild winters. Cowboy clowns in a bird sanctuary . . . alive because they're not black or hispanic. It would be comical if it wasn't so pathetic and an example of what's wrong with this country. They brought guns to a protest so they must expect to go down like Bowie and Crockett. I hope they get their wish. The Donald gets clobbered in Bernieland. If anyone doesn't know by now that Trump's been working for the Clintons then go back to bed. TransCanada Pipeline goons sue the USA for not coming through with the XL Pipeline deal. A little bit early on this one . . . the TPP which is not passed yet but is silently progressing with a media blackout will have a provision that will allow corporations to sue governments in cases like this . . . claiming corporate rule trumps national interest. what a world, what a world. Enough about you and the world, what about me? Well, I'll be sixty-six at the end of this month and that means I won't be insane anymore. I got my letter from the government telling me that I no longer will be designated as a disability due to mental illness but I will advance to just being old and therefore will collect ordinary social security. See, time cures everything. Many of you may not have known that I was insane as I pulled that off quite well. It will be nice to be elderly and harmless for once. By the way, I'm almost finished with the restoration of a vintage katana. Got my amended birth certificate stating that my gender designation was mistakenly recorded by the attending nurse. Frankly, I think that's a non-apology from pseudo-liberal MA legislators. Don't acknowledge the science, just blame it on the nurse. I'll take it nonetheless. No more hoop-jumping. It doesn't change much on the reality show of my transgender life, however. There will still be the mis-gendering, the staring by overweight local-yokels in the diner and the self-loathing, that never goes away. Every social media post by a celebrity or celebrity-wannabe trans person just adds more to my depression, especially the self-proclaimed academic experts and activists. Go fuck yourself, I say. There goes my spot on "I am Cait". Not much else, the world did not end today.

Ah, back again. It's 2016, a new year and I believe it's a year of writing. the fact is, I don't see past this year so I assume it is a year of diary. I was much like my father until I transitioned so that may have set the course of my lifetime askew. As I now believe that my genetic inheritance of my gender dysphoric nature is a given, I can only surmise what my ancestors felt in their confusion of gender ambiguity. As far as I know, they handled it admirably, unless I'm entirely wrong and my gender variant problems are quite happenstance as is the rule of chaos. So be it, Pooh tweet and all that. I need to speak nonetheless. As formidable as I was, I don't have the means to complete this journey. I'm stuck on a planet in a situation of little return for my efforts and I have no transport available. The beings here are quaint but ineffectual. Some work against the other for self gain while others simply give in to the status quo. There are few real warriors here. They are easily manipulated into following a stronger presence but I see no value in that. There is no reason to rally these people since there is no valid cause to set them to fight for. They are lost. They have actually deteriorated their own environment for the sake of individual profit, meaning that some of them are willing to sacrifice others to better themselves. In all the galaxy this is the worst behavior of an aware species that I've encountered. If I can't get beyond this situation then I think that this will be my last cycle, therefore I've decided to record this last year in text. Over.

Times, they are a changing. This is good for the whole of the transgender community. It is less so for some of us. I applaud the new exposure of the trans experience. Caitlyn, Lavern, Candice and even Jenny, who is jumping on the wagon of these new trans celebrities though her books weren't that great. I had my doubts about Caitlyn but I confess, bravo to you, girl! I don't think anyone could have pulled this off better! In fact, I think you will do more for the acceptance of transfolk than anyone before you. Be well. I, on the other hand, side, world, whatever, will not benefit from this new wave of acceptance. I am aged out, unable to afford the bio-modifications that would let me enter the new world of trans acceptance. It's a glamorous world to be sure. I have no problem with that. Celebrity is all about glamour. If I could go back in time and transition at a young age, without the knowledge of the three children I helped to produce therefore not having the guilt of wiping out their existence I would in a heartbeat. Of course, their existence upon the world did happen and who am I to be such a beast as to eliminate my own children. I accept my fate. Unlike Ms. Jenner I was ousted from my former life situation with nothing but a roof over my head which was only paid in advance for a very short time. I was alone, debt ridden and suffering from clinical depression yet somehow I survived. There were special people involved with that survival who I may talk about later. When I had enough strength to move away I did. I was still in a depressed state but somehow and with the help of a friend and a son I continued. On the social plane, I rebuilt myself but on the internal I am no more healed than the day I was banished from my own family. This is why I cannot watch any program or movie concerning trans people. I have lived a life in pain, transitioning at an old age and still not being able to see it through. Though I've often contemplated suicide, I have a high threshold for pain and I'll probably see to live out the fifteen or twenty years I have left. The family that exiled me is now dealing with the repercussions of that era. I was almost drawn into the fray but somehow I managed to see it for what it was. Not my fight. I survived my exile, deal with your own conscience. So, as for the current exposure of the trans experience, I hope you all learn something valuable and realize that we are as much a part of humanity as the rest of you. I am not able to be restored at this point but there are thousands who are. Please treat them like humans.

The Mouse returns. This is a tough one. What do I say about the current media hype concerning transgender folks? How can I not love the newly emerged Caitlyn? We are the same age, the same mutation, sisters in arms. One of us is privileged and of the means to access any and all modifications to be the person of her dreams and one is not. I am the not. I struggle daily with the will to live. I say the three names of my children and I continue. This is a ritual. Each day I get over it, I move on, I do what I am good at. Yet, I can't feel that it's enough. Mainly because it has nothing to do with the pursuit of my own happiness. So selfish a wish and the last remnant of the guilt I carry for the act of transitioning. It has taken fifteen years to work through that guilt and each and every step has cost a piece of my soul. Hopefully there's spark left to ignite a new flame but it will take someone else to fan it. I am nearly done. I've tried my best to be another's idea of "me" and I don't regret it because it is what was. I do believe in fate, as ridiculous as that sounds but without it my past would be insignificant. Whatever time I have left is anyone's guess and I will cherish it with all the hope of one who has experienced life in and of many manifestations. It's been real. Let's hope there's more.

I've decided to start a new series called "Adventures in Transitioning". Much has changed since Jedi-mouse's last entry (which I apologize for) and I feel that the current media interest in the topic of transgender lives should be expounded upon for all it's worth. You already know, if you've read any Jedi-mouse rantings, that I speak from the "I". I do not profess in any way to be the truth for all transfolk. It is true, however, that for each generation, the stories of transitioning are quite similar, and often "textbook" in their likeness. Being a child of the '50's and '60's and transitioning late in life, I am Bornstein, Boylan, and now Jenner and so many others. Those of us who lived most of our lives in denial have a story far different from those who are now transitioning at such a young age with the acceptance of family, the medical establishment and step by little step from our society itself. A few years ago I tried to write a bio of my entire life experience and even posted one segment in the Jedi-mouse blog. This didn't work so well for me as a cathartic or freeing experience as I ended up in a heap of tears night after night recalling the trauma of growing up as me. This time I'll try to be more "episode" minded in how I present my saga. I'll go into my early dreams, the angel who lived in my head and how I learned to survive my own insanity. Stay tuned.

It's Easter 2015 and I'm surprised that I'm still here. I concede that that is a multi-level statement and I should elaborate. When I was a younger human, posing as a male, I never entertained the thought that I would live this long, not long in current human longevity standards anyway. Halfway into transition I realized that I'd signed away any assets that would enable me to complete the journey. I don't believe in trying to reconstruct the bridges burned so I was left with a sense of winding down to the inevitable end. Unfortunately or fortunately, whichever you prefer, I have reclaimed part of my past life as a means of continuing this new one. It's not a happy one by any means but it enables me to still be here. All this must confuse those who put a high value on still being alive. I'm not one of them. I've entwined myself with others who now depend on my continuation. That is the only reason I don't end it as you read this. My talents are a culmination of teachings left to me by other humans, past and present. I have no desire to leave these teachings kept from others deemed worthy of this knowledge. So I continue to work and teach. Being here, however, in my present form, sucks. I am transgender and can't do anything about that but I don't have to like it. Believe me, it was so much nicer to live as a white male with white male privilege but that's the past. This is reality and if I wasn't as tough and resilient as I am, you wouldn't be reading this. Quoting Walter Cronkite, "that's the way it is". Now I live in a progressive community that seems for the most part to treat me as an equal human except for the daily "double takes and mis-gendendering comments" that a trans-person has to deal with. I pass these off and pretend I'm not bothered by it, otherwise I'd lose the clients that I need to stay in business. But I have to say here, and this is a BIG but, musicians are the exception and I have NEVER been maligned or disrespected by my friends in the music world. There seems to be a non-bias aspect to being a musician. A language that transcends discrimination. These people are another reason why I stay here. Then there are my children. How can I just quit being when they are still here for me to connect with. I have experienced the loss of my parents and as I know that is a "right of passage" in the human experience, I would rather that it happen by natural causes than by my own efforts. The last part of this rant, I suppose, is to my friends who practice ceremonial rites during this time. I applaud you for your adherence to tradition but I beg you to consider the reality of human existence in this time. It is dire. There needs to be a new paradigm in our goals as human and it does not lie in the beliefs of the past. Please look forward. Look at your children. Is this the world you want them to inherit? We can be so much more. Look to the stars. If I had the power, I would make it all right but I don't. I'm just one flawed human. Good luck.