Voting in America was imperfect, now it's disolving.

Stardate; 02062020, or "The Endtimes of Voting in America" Yes, my follower(s), we are listening to the final gasps of system that once held some hope of evolving into an actual Democracy as it suffocates under its own weight of "ism's". Capitalism, Racism, FuckyouIgotmineism, Antisocialism, Fascism, you get the gist. If you thought things were rigged in the 2016 election, boy howdy, y'all ain't seen nothin' yet! (sorry, the mouse has been watching old Westerns featuring Kirk Douglas) Let's just hop over the non-impeachment of D.T.Shitforbrains and get right to the Iowa train wreck, or "if there really was a way to run a caucus we sure don't have a clue" and how letting old people with smartphones tally a vote was a great idea. Seriously, what could go wrong? And that, my chillins, is very much dependent on your point of bias. If you are the DNC then the worst thing that happened was Bernie Sanders being born and devoting an entire life to social reform, equality, justice, things we used to think were American ideals. The DNC, otherwise known as Wall Street Democrats, has gotten so addicted to sucking on the corporate tit that they can't imagine a world where a strong middle class and income equality is a strong societal plus. An educated and healthy majority means a higher standard of living for all, not just the Washington elite and their corporate masters. We're using the word "anointing" again when talking about the favored DNC candidate and since Uncle Joe just ain't performing well enough to even get to a cheating chance the WS eyes turn to the next corporate friendly white guy, Mayor Pete. Therefore when the caucus was so obviously swarming to TeamBernie on Tuesday evening the DNC operatives pulled the plug on the vote count until their young geek minions could rearrange the outcome to appear as if Pete was in the lead with Bernie. It was of course a lie but they certainly couldn't have Bernie running away with a strong showing into New Hampshire, there would be no stopping him at that point. Let's take a moment to remember what happened in 2016 when they pulled this shit on Bernie so that the anointed Hillary would arise as the DNC savior ... hubris and Russian hacking got D.T.Shitforbrains elected and what did they learn from that? . . . obviously not a fucking thing, other than installing apps that they could manipulate to their advantage. The bias from Team Bernie was "We know you're going to try to fuck us again so we're installing our own app and not telling you!" Brilliant! So the Bernie app that didn't get shut down comes out with Bernie on top and MayorPete in 4th! Oh my stars and stripes! Even Warren beat Pete and that ain't good for the 1%! You can bet your rosy cheeks that this will be put out as "conspiracy theory" by the corporate media and labeled underhanded shenanigans because it's not just republicans who hate facts. Will I vote against Shitforbrains no matter what? Of course I will but until that day I will vote against the DNC.

Jedi-Mouse: As is usual I have been absent for way too long. I...

Jedi-Mouse: As is usual I have been absent for way too long. I...: As is usual I have been absent for way too long. In fact, two Star Wars franchise movies have come and gone as well as two seasons of Star T...

As is usual I have been absent for way too long. In fact, two Star Wars franchise movies have come and gone as well as two seasons of Star Trek ala CBS. Meh. But that's not why I resurfaced. Humans are approaching the end of their brief run on this planet and I think that I should start putting in a word or two about how I feel about that. Sad, of course, is the first word. Who could not be dismayed at the thought that a species who evolved to such self-awareness of its place in the universe would sink to a level of self-importance, greed, quest for power over its kin and of all the millions of Earthlings be the one who put self interest over species survival. We humans gave up our connection to the planet when we invented religion and the creation of cult. Once humans accepted the rule of a chosen leader, then the battle for who would be that leader was the rule of the first societies. We made it more complex by adding law, codes of ethics, a merchant class. Each addition to a structured society took us further away from our connection to the planet and through it our connection to the universe. The Leader became synonymous with God or Gods or convinced the masses that they spoke for those Gods. Money was introduced to create the mass weapon of debt and it became the true God. Humans and their connection to the Earth never really had a chance once that started. Everything that has evolved since has been a derivation of the debt cycle owned by a significantly few old world families who are known as bankers. These old clans captured the gestalt of human evolution and never let it go for a second. They are the funders of all wars, the creators of feasts and famines, the faces behind the masks. And most importantly, they are the reason humankind is dying. Our only hope of species survival, and it is very unlikely, is that we behead the members of these banking families with due haste, abolish all borders of nationalities, disarm all of the world's armies and once again live as humans.

Ah, once again I have been absent for more time than I should have. My duties take me to other realms and other battles which not all been successful. On the personal front I have made gains but it is a strenuous and slow battle. So, I have come back to witness the downfall of the USA as it has been known to be. Maybe we shouldn't be so sad of this downfall since the self image of the USA was quite an offshoot from reality. An experiment concocted by wealthy European white men escaping the rule of a monarchy for a chance to wipe out an indigenous race of naturalists for the purpose of monetizing their land - this is what "America" was based on. Whiteness, misogyny, land ownership, the right to own "inferior" humans . . . this is what "America" was based on. However, in only a little more than two hundred years, though struggle of what is right and just the people changed this country into a better experiment, one of democratic rule and the rights of all. Alas, history repeats itself and the cycle of oppression continues with the emergence of the Tea Party Republicans. (do they have any clue to who the real Tea Party represented?) These asshats are so uneducated, misguided, willing to follow the most absurd tenents of libertarianism as to win over a drunken populace into putting a treasonous, self-obsessed manchild into the highest office of this falling empire. It's only fitting, you know. As an off-world observer, you gave up your power of the vote willingly. Yes, we know that the game is rigged but if you don't play, you can't win. (credits to R.H.)So, peons . . . what's to do? As races go, you humans are not really battle material . . . I've been fighting with, well nevermind, they don't want to contact you anyway . . . then if you're not going to behead the idiots in charge, who have manipulated the system so that your votes will never produce the outcome you desire on a national level, what about working from the ground up? Build locally. Establish sustainable communities. Base all local political movements on equal rights, healthcare and education for all. Be a welcoming society to those in need. Vote out the greedy, self-serving career leeches who profit off crony capitalism. Take back the experiment of the USA from City Hall and up. And don't be afraid of the scared idiots with all the firearms . . . they'll probably shoot themselves in the foot.

Chronicles of Jedi-Mouse Dark side of the holidays. "When was your last relationship?" "Going on fifteen years ago." "Are you lonely?" "Yes." "Do you think you could be close to anyone?" "I'd rather slay them where they stand." "I see."

Chronicals of Jedi-Mouse, Stardate 12012017 On a world scale, chaos ensues. The politics of individual countries is shit. The few who manipulate the world's economy and military maneuverings in that regard are wringing their hands in the final moments of a foreseeable victory. The lack of real food and clean water is about to initiate a culling of the human species. Those who have been in power for the last several centuries will remain in rule, choosing who among their acolytes will rise to enjoy their good graces while leaving the rest to be mauled and eaten by the servant class that they have worked so hard to create. Or . .. the majority of us who are not elitist crap rise up and take down the rich overlords and build a new society based on humanitarian values and not monetary ones. In the meantime . . . watching the fall of the USA is almost binge-worthy.

I went out this morning. It's a beautiful day and I felt like I didn't belong in it. When you spend 99% of your leisure time alone, how does life not become all about you? I say this in the "me" sense and I don't care for this reality at all. Maybe that's why I spend so much time watching movies and tv series where I can become involved in virtual lives. Even after escaping decades of denial and living as "me" I'd rather continue escaping into "not me". I'm never truly alone however, there's always the cat, Bushi and Jedi-Mouse, the personification of my depression. The cat and I connect in a behavioral pattern that only permits two modes of interaction - when she's hungry I feed her and in bed I must extend an arm so she may rub her head in my hand then plop her 19 pounds on top of my arm until it loses all feeling. Love can be strange but it's still love and it leaves the major part of my alone time to deal with my depression. I say "my depression" because it is indeed a particular type that requires much care and feeding or it begins to leak out into my 1% of social leisure time and invariably ruin the experience. Most weeks it demands a full day or a little more of my complete attention which is doable and I consider it a sort of "truce or cease-fire, call it detente" and it allows me to pose as a functional human and even run a business. I've been writing the Jedi-Mouse blog for years yet it only recently occurred to me that the Mouse was indeed my depression and a separate entity. On occasion I'll read the old blogs and as dark as they are they still seems like old friends. So often people who learn even a little about me say, "OMG! You should write a book!" They should read this blog from the beginning then they might reconsider. I do have an idea though, since the Mouse loves to stay up late, get really drunk, sit half naked at the keyboard and thrash out at the virtual consciousness of social media as if it were a cosmic therapist, I think I should begin the "Chronicles of Jedi-Mouse", sometimes taking excepts from old blog posts and sometimes just letting the drunken rodent have at it. How this would be different from the original blog I'm not sure but it my be more frequent.

The Season of the Mouse It should be no surprise to anyone who by random misfortune stumbles across this blog that there are significant time lapses to my postings. The major reason for that is that although my depression is ever present it is also cyclical in its intensity. Autumn is the season of the Mouse but I prefer to call it The Fall. It is the time in which I visit my darkest feelings, the time of my darkest memories, the time and place where I face my fears. I can go on for months dealing with the ups and downs by the use of drugs and sleep in the learned management of my condition but a certain time of year comes along and I am victim to all of the unsaid things. The Holidays. The Holidays are my kryptonite. I detest them. From All Hallows Eve, through Thanksgiving and on to X-mas it is a surrealistic misrepresentation of usurped rituals for the sake of commercialism. For me it is a far greater disturbance. It is the time of my expulsion, my being exiled for the simple reason of choosing to be me. The time in which I said no to my denial. The time in which I decided it was no longer a world in which I wanted to live. So, enough of this drivel. But, there's more . . . Yes, over 40% of us have attempted suicide at some time during our transition. Who cares? Certainly not you cisgendered peeps. What are we to you? Nothing. We are freaks. We are partners who betrayed, sons and daughters who crushed your hopes, parents who did the unthinkable. I get so tired in this season. I look at couples who have overcome the "change" and I am envious. The idea that love can overcome obstacles does not fit into my experience. I am left with hate and emptiness. That is what occupies the hole that once held love. During this season in which I go deep into the darkness I challenge the hate and plead with the emptiness but so far I've always lost. I'm used to losing. Losing and surviving, sounds like a Greek tragedy. If it is true "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I should be invincible by now. I don't feel invincible. I will be visible for the rest of this season, more or less, but I won't be with you. I have found a place to hide.

Oh me, oh my, the time does fly. What's time to a pig? Ask Spider John Koener. I'm definitely feeling a change coming on but I don't know whether it's favorable or not. Do we ever? My astrological gurus think they have a clue but really they don't even though I love to listen to their lovely rantings. Each day is what I, or you make it. Today I didn't march in the streets to protest this fucking shit storm of a government we have at the moment and I bet you didn't either. Why the fuck not? Because I am a lame ass complacent moron just like the rest of you. How did we sink to this muck level of existence? Advertising. Television. Social media. Distraction. You are not powerful because you choose not to be. Harsh, yes? Will you take up the cause and fight back at the corporate takeover of America? No, you won't because you don't have a clue how to do such a thing. We do not communicate with each other, we push buttons on electronic devises. We need to commune. We need to sit together and take the good drugs once again. We need to find the ethic we almost claimed in the 60's and expand it. Capitalism killed the 60's movement and we must be Dr. Frankenstein and resurrect that monster that can bring it down. Unlearn the teaching that wealth equals power. Knowledge is the true power and we must wake everyone up! Democratic Socialism is the way to level the playing field. As the poor and the middle class rise up, the 1% lose their power over us. This is the way of eliminating the greedy and becoming an earth-first global society. Sounds like science fiction but it is not. We are now in the worst-case-scenario projected by science fiction writers in the 1940's. Their bad dreams have come true and we let it happen as they predicted. I could go on and on, rant and rant but will it change? I think not. Personally, I will fight for my own survival but I think the whole of humanity is coming to a fast close. I hope I'm wrong and I find a band of capable Zealots bent on saving humanity for humanity's sake and not for profit and we will fight like super heroes against the elitist oppressors. One can dream.

Hello again. As always, it's been awhile. The war against us LGBT folks has escalated, trans murders are at a high and we now have the most repressive government in American history. Should I even post? I'm still drinking which isn't a revelation to anyone who knows me, so whatever I have to say should be taken as compromised by reality. Are we really going to do this? The new civil war? Conservative against liberal, born again pseudo christian against free thinker? I know you fraidycats with all your guns think you have the advantage but do you ever think of all the ex-military liberals who no longer believe in war who would in a second rise up and snap your like twigs? There is liberalism and there is survival. The conservatives by their own accord have determined their demise. Greed is not sustainable. This nation will live on only if it accepts the diverse nature of humanity, allows for individual belief systems and upholds the separation of church and state. What has been forgotten is that we are here on Earth for each other as humans. I think this is the test. If we fail, we can all say goodbye.

What a world, what a world . . .

How does one write the ending of a life. For that matter, when does one know it's the last chapter? Circumstances can appear to be the ending chapter but in actuality be only the continuance of the story. I am at that crossroad, not knowing whether this is the end or the beginning of a new story line. Nonetheless I'm tired. I could go either way with no regret. Let me tell you about my current life, should you be at all interested . .. I am in a living purgatory, transgender without the financial means to complete my physical transition. This leaves me in a state of self-loathing in regards to my body in its present form. I'm not the only one in this state so I don't ask for any special privilege. In the more advanced nations of this earth the medical treatments of my condition are addressed by their health care systems. In the United State this is not the case. Why is this? When did greed overturn humanity? I need to get out of here. Help.

Snow days vs. No days

February 9th, another Snow Day in most of New England. Here in Easthampton Ma about 14 inches of the white stuff settled down, closing schools, businesses, my own included and giving many people a needed day off from the absurdity of life in America, 2017. I'll take it. In my life I also have "No Days". These are the days in which my clinical depression takes hold and also gives me a day off though I usually spend it in bed seeing that I'm quite incapacitated when these No days happen. This is a reasonable trade off, in my opinion, for being able to hold it together in a productive state of adulting for most of the time when not so long ago this wasn't the case.

"Imagine, if you will, coming to realize that a life in denial for fifty years was as good as it was going to get and the rest of your life as your true self is just a walk through hell." Not that I don't have friends here, on the contrary, I have more friends now than ever and they may or not be on their own path through hell, hell being a very subjective and personal concept. This is a hard post to write without sounding pathetic but as you know, most of my post are about the darker side of being transgender. So what do I do with my Snow Day? My day off without the bed time? The same as every day Pinky, I settle into the darkness and wonder why I'm still here. It's no surprise that I can endure my own hell creation, I've survived everything else for sure. Clearly I'm sitting here waiting for something to happen one way or another. I focus on two things; the positive, the physical completion of my transition journey which in this hell is unattainable or the other positive, death by other than my own means. I've put death by suicide on hold for now, not wanting to add to the trauma I've already caused my children but it's always a consideration. Pathetic, yes? Anyway a Snow Day in hell is better than a No Day in hell.

Happy Birthday to Me - Not Dead Yet

Three score and seven years ago a hole opened up in the space-time continuum. Through a blinding light alien mechanical arms thrust in to grab me and against my will, pulled me into that alter dimension. Thus began my saga . . . The first three years or so I have little memory of and can only relate through hearsay. They must have drugged me. Story has it that the human pair I was allotted to was in crisis. The male member of the pair, who I later learned to call "Dad", was in intensive care after undergoing a brain tumor operation that was quite risky for its time. The odds were against his survival but he did survive in spite of that. His total recovery took up most of those first three years and I was probably left to my own devises much of that time. The female, "Mom", had to devote her efforts to that recovery and I believe it resulted in a lack of bonding between us which never did remedy itself. I was alone in this dimension and alone I would stay. I should add here that in this dimension, and in particular this culture, there was no such thing as variable gender constructs of self-identity. This cultural aberration wasted no time in making my life a living hell as the haze of unknowing lifted and I began to see things clearly. My childhood in a nutshell . .. "I can't be this boy . . . where's Me?"

Let's go another year

Merry happy holidays, believers, non-believers, idiots, savants, time travelers, con-artists, and of course my fellow transgendered humanoids. Living in America? lucky, fucking you! Ain't this a shitstorm! We almost thought we were getting somewhere, right? Like me, you didn't think he had a snowball's chance in hell, right? And yet, weren't we the fools, thinking that America couldn't possibly be such a collective of ignorant bastards. It's happened, yes, the idiots are indeed running the asylum and we need to be very wary. I know most of you are very nice, peace minded individuals and won't like this but I strongly advise all transgender folk to take the course, get a permit and get yourself a gun. (and of course, if you're in one of those states where you can just go down to the 7Eleven and buy that Mag .44, do it!)Don't try to buy them for the rest of us, I don't want you putting yourself in jeopardy. We transfolk are about to become the most convenient scapegoat for the next four years and possibly the next eight. We must brace ourselves for a tirade of legislation to keep us from being considered part of humanity. Lock and load, ladies. The most unexpected side effect of this year's election is the opening of the gates of repressed hatred. Hate speech has become normalized in the discourse of corporate media, and much worse than that, violent action against liberals, progressives, gays, transfolk, educators, scientists, non-whites is sanctioned by virtue of a Trump presidency. There will be internal backlash at first, but this well played coup has all the money people in place to shut down any opposition. Sorry, McCain. All that and I wanted to talk about loneliness. Go figure.

This will take a period of mourning to be able to speak again. If we do not gain control over out system of government we will revert into chaos. Much to think about.

I'm on a mouse roll. Let's talk of Tuesday. Are you frightened? I'm frightened. The collective hatred of the Hillary who is not Bernie is so strong as to actually pose the possibility of a complete fascist moron becoming the president. White, land owning founding fathers are turning over in their graves. Maybe. Maybe the idea of a black president followed by a female president has them even more disturbed. Let us not forget the whiteness and male privilege that this country was founded upon. The white males in today's America are losing their jobs, losing their wives and most sadly, losing their privilege. Transgender people are now running for office! SHUT UP! No wonder there is a huge increase in gun sales right now! Kill the fags! Make America great again! There is a lesson here . . . but those in need of the learning do not have the capacity to comprehend. That's the current conundrum. The Republican program of the dumbing down of American society has been so successful that intelligence and reason are now vacant from the political process. The other corporate owned party, the Democrats, have stuck to their outdated methods for so long that they have no ability to counter the absurdity of the Tea Party wing nut hordes. This could get seriously interesting. We could actually find ourselves in an economic and political isolation chamber shunned and rejected by the rest of the world. The World Bank, the World Health Org., the IMF would have no recourse but to follow the rule of the majority. The country with the most devastating nuclear arsenal and outrageously overfunded military force would be seen as the ultimate threat to humanity. Even the top level banking elite would have to cut ties with this Godzilla gone mad. That is, unless this has been the plan all along . . . chaos, collapse, human culling, then the elite rise from the ashes to enslave the remaining humans to rule in luxury and leisure for the next millenium. It's just a bad dream. Status quo will win out and we wait another four years to vote for real change.

This is "Trans Awareness Month". Facebook says it is, so I guess it must be true. By "Trans" I take it to mean transgender or transsexual, or transnormative . . .I'm in there somewhere. I, for one, am certainly aware of my being trans. I'm aware of losing my partner of twenty years because I'm trans. (yeah, that "I love the person inside you" is bullshit, at least in my life) I'm aware of losing my home, jobs, friends and extended family because I am trans. I'm aware of being very alone because I am trans. I'm aware of wanting to die because I am trans. I've got the awareness thing down. I'm aware every minute of every day of that fact and all they? we? whothefuck? are asking the cis world is that you be aware that we exist for one month. Be aware that most of us are not celebrities with surgically enhanced bodies which is the only version of us you will see in the media, unless we've murdered someone or have been murdered which is more likely. You seem to like us when we've been murdered. It makes the headlines once in awhile. Of course you will mis-gender us in print and call us "men disguised as women" or vise-versa. You will seldom use our real names or real identities (the ones we know ourselves to be)and go for the hate value of whatever shit tabloid you write for. One month of accepting that we are real, human, as valuable as anyone else. A one month "cease-fire" would be nice, too. C'mon, is that too much to ask? We're not asking for a holiday or anything . . . . just one month to not be afraid to walk in public, eat at a restaurant without being stared at, shop in a store without being asked to leave because we make the regular customers uncomfortable . . . we are regular customers, you twats. (Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself, the profane ranting comes later.) Other trans people I know are being quite positive about this whole thing, posting "I Support Trans Awareness" and such. I just don't see it that way. Vanity Fair, Time, media exposure have certainly increased awareness but to what avail? This year which is not ended yet has the highest trans murdered rate to date. Is there a correlation? The majority of the victims this year as in every year are trans women of color. Where is the outrage over that? Is it racism mixed with transphobia or is there a socioeconomic aspect to consider? How about more awareness of these facts and less awareness of breast augmentations. Still waiting for the profanity part? Go fuck yourself!

Oh my! Not since last April have I spoken. I've tried to stay away from the dark side but as the last days of this electoral farce come to a close I will speak again. You fools, you fools, you self destructive morons. . . how this advertising agency called main stream media has you in their manipulative vise grip. The collective ignorance of the American people is overwhelming. How else could a moronic, privileged, shit for brains become the hero of the new, Tea Party version of the Republican party? What a colossal miscalculation! Boehner the boner is gone, he didn't realize that ignorance can't be controlled. The "Turtle" speaks as if he still has relevance but he is as gone as his compatriot. A once literate, regardless of how conservative, Republican Party is a thing of the past and there will never again be a give and take, able to negotiate, Congress that I grew up with. There are no more O'Neils, Kennedys, Byrds, Johnsons who were willing to sit and talk to hash out the needs of the people. Now there are only tools of corporations who defy compromise and viciously denounce any opposition to their agenda. Voters did this. These people did not elect themselves. Yes, there was oodles of corporate money behind the elections but you/we the voters did not do our diligence in searching out the truth. We as a collective accepted the media version of the truth. Shame on us/you. There is a slim chance that a moronic, unacceptable human could actually be placed as the President of the United States and that speaks of the decades of the dismantling of the American public school system. "An educated populace is a dangerous populace" . . . said no one in public but understood by every elitist string puller in the upper levels of the "seeing eye" pyramid. Why is there no Middle Class in America today? Why are public schools so unworthy as to make you vote for "charter schools" which are being portrayed as the "answer to the problem". Are you that stupid? Well yes, I guess so because we are where we are, eh? WE are certainly at a crossroads. A reckoning is due and the Devil will have his day. However, as a believer in species evolution I think intelligence has a lot to do with survival. A once unimaginable empire is about to crumble to dust because of the arrogance of the banking elite. Good. I've seen too much. I've fought against higher powers to no avail. It's going to come to a bad end very soon but the intelligent survivors will lead what is left to a new future. I hope it is a better future.

Yeah Bernie! What's that? The game is still rigged? Yeah, we know. New Hampshire has "superdelegates" that "trump" public opinion, er, voting. As in, Hillary gets the delegates anyway because she paid for them in advance. As long as the electoral college still exists we will never have true majority voting. My prediction . . . if we let Hillary take the primary by legal crookery we will end up with Trump in the White House and the immediate collapse of the Republic of the United States. I'm voting for Bernie even if I have to write him in.

Oh dear, this is when I probably shouldn't speak but will anyway. It's been sixteen years since the switch was flipped that started the inevitable transition from my pseudo-male existence to my appropriate female existence but here I am in a pit of despair, to be overly dramatic, in the failure of said transition. It ain't happening, to be non-eloquently blunt. I have hit the wall of financial inadequacy. (I love the big words of failure) Transgender is the new "avant garde" if you fit the Hollywood model of glamour queen. You might even get your own TV show. Unfortunately for the ordinary, less-than-pageant-grade transfolk life still sucks. I thought there was still a reason that I function among the cis-gendered population but I've completely lost that idea. Nothing makes sense anymore. There are things to do but very little ambition to do them. I can't afford the "goal" anymore so things have been reduced to the "playing out the endgame". If I can muster the energy I will try to make it interesting.